Somewhere in between

It's been a busy month.

For some reason, I can't seem to peg what exactly is subconsciously bothering me, but I have been speculating into the possibilities. Recently, my mind is constantly racing to figure out why there exists two people: on the outside, everything looks and feels like things are falling into place but on the my inside feels very lackluster. I'm not seriously worried about anything but yet I continue to second-guess my decisions. This is a bit disconcerting because I'm confident in the decisions I make, so this is a relatively new phenomenon. This had better not be a quarter (or possibly mid in my case) life crisis. I think Kerouac said it best:

"When I found him in Mill City that morning he had fallen on the beat and evil days that come to young guys in their middle twenties."

One of my hypotheses is that I'm watching some of my other friends make drastic moves to find that sense of happiness and accomplishment they've been looking for. Whether this has been changing jobs or relocating to another city, there may be no security in their judgment whatsoever but the fact is that they're doing it from their gut and believe this is the best move for them.

In a world that's so precarious and insecure, to make a move like that is very admirable and I have a lot of respect for these guys. In the back of my mind, I don't know if I could do something like that and that fact scares me. It tells me that I wouldn't necessarily follow my gut without having that security in the back of my mind. I look back at my life and look at all the "risks" I could have taken and I laugh at myself because almost every decision I've made has been calculated. However, what I haven't calculated is the utility I might have gained had I made a riskier, yet potentially more fulfilling decision. Therein lies the problem: I look at those around me who are constantly looking to redefine themselves by pursuing their dreams at whatever cost and perhaps I am even a bit envious that I don't have the ability to do something like that.

I'm not exactly at a crossroads at my life right now and I actually have everything pretty much figured out, but I'd like to know that if a tough choice entered my life, I'd have the foresight and fortitude to go with my gut. I have been considering a slight revamp of my current future but nothing to get too excited about. If anything, I'll have made this decision by the end of the summer. I think I just miss the spontaneity of life sometimes.




Ipod: Jack Johnson ~ Flake