For some reason, I can't seem to peg what exactly is subconsciously bothering me, but I have been speculating into the possibilities. Recently, my mind is constantly racing to figure out why there exists two people: on the outside, everything looks and feels like things are falling into place but on the my inside feels very lackluster. I'm not seriously worried about anything but yet I continue to second-guess my decisions. This is a bit disconcerting because I'm confident in the decisions I make, so this is a relatively new phenomenon. This had better not be a quarter (or possibly mid in my case) life crisis. I think Kerouac said it best:
"When I found him in Mill City that morning he had fallen on the beat and evil days that come to young guys in their middle twenties."
One of my hypotheses is that I'm watching some of my other friends make drastic moves to find that sense of happiness and accomplishment they've been looking for. Whether this has been changing jobs or relocating to another city, there may be no security in their judgment whatsoever but the fact is that they're doing it from their gut and believe this is the best move for them.
In a world that's so precarious and insecure, to make a move like that is very admirable and I have a lot of respect for these guys. In the back of my mind, I don't know if I could do something like that and that fact scares me. It tells me that I wouldn't necessarily follow my gut without having that security in the back of my mind. I look back at my life and look at all the "risks" I could have taken and I laugh at myself because almost every decision I've made has been calculated. However, what I haven't calculated is the utility I might have gained had I made a riskier, yet potentially more fulfilling decision. Therein lies the problem: I look at those around me who are constantly looking to redefine themselves by pursuing their dreams at whatever cost and perhaps I am even a bit envious that I don't have the ability to do something like that.
I'm not exactly at a crossroads at my life right now and I actually have everything pretty much figured out, but I'd like to know that if a tough choice entered my life, I'd have the foresight and fortitude to go with my gut. I have been considering a slight revamp of my current future but nothing to get too excited about. If anything, I'll have made this decision by the end of the summer. I think I just miss the spontaneity of life sometimes.
Birthday celebrations, Casino night version 4.0, Madison and Murphy's law
So I've done this Casino night thing 4 times now and this experience was hands down the craziest ever. As the aforementioned title indicates, everything that could possibly go wrong did and we reveled in the humor and absolute lackadaisical way we handled things. I'm writing this entry in an attempt to recollect my thoughts and detail the mayhem that was this weekend. Patchy memories are all I have, and I'm sure the rest of the crew will blog what they can remember. Friday 5 am until Monday 2 pm was some of the most intense hours of my life:
- Arthur and I arrived Ann Arbor after departing Ithaca at 6:45 am with a car and a dream. After a quick bowl of sheesha, a haircut and a Latin culture show, drinking ensued while we waited for the posse to arrive. Around 2 am, Mix, Bruni, Kaylee and Grace arrive. Much to my dismay and utter delight, a guest appearance was made by the one and only Matt Meyers. They had arrived with a twinkle in their eye ready to party.
- After Ron Diaz made an appearance and a game of Nordic Circle was played with the Kamchatka (an entire handle devoured in 10 minutes), we were ready. Unfortunately, there was no formal AIESEC Michigan happenings that evening, so the next best thing was to walk around aimlessly and crash parties with the few brave souls that were out that night. Within half an hour, Bruni and Kaylee decide to stop by the Union. They weren't seen for the rest of the evening (more to come on this later.....Williams, if you could please describe Bruni's sycophantic 'please please please' message, that would be fantastic). After a brief stopover at Sandhya's, we make it over to Marshall Court. Upon realizing that we know about 2 people at this house, we decide to make ourselves useful and drink their liquor. A gallon of orange juice mixed with a 40 of Labatt's was stellar.
- We depart the house. Kaylee is nowhere in sight. Bruni is still gone. We decide that we should head back around 4 something am. Somewhere in there, a brawl took place between me, Williams and Meyers. In the process, I ate some grass and accidentally dropped Grace after my ankle buckled.
- We make it back home, engage in a spoon and pass out after another bowl. Time: 6 am. Around 10:30 am, Kaylee calls us from a payphone. She has spent the night in a kind stranger's (don't think of it that way) home and eventually makes it back, sans purse. Bruni calls around the same time. After realizing that he has crashed in a random house, drank their beer and puked on their carpet, he departs. He realizes that the keys to the van are in a coat that has never been so lost. Deciding that this was an issue that could be resolved later, he returns to us bearing gifts: a toothbrush, deoderant and a Mickey's that has never looked so beautiful.
- 2:30 pm. We head to the liquor store and purchase two cases of Mickey's. Williams bargains with the store clerk and reduces the tab $10. We even get a dolly out of the deal which we use to wheel the 40s over to April's house. 2:30 pm - 10:30 pm: Old School, Wedding Crashers, an entire roll of coals for the shisha, spooning, Edward 40hands, drunk dials, "lost his virginity.....from a cop," negotiations with the house Bruni puked at, bathroom breaks, no pants and showers take place.
- Eventually we make it to Casino night where much of the same occurs. After Casino night and two post-parties later, we crash at Sandhya's after realizing that daylight savings has stolen a precious hour of sleep from our lives.
- We wake up, collect our belongings from 5 different houses and realize that Madison still is sans keys. Locksmiths typically don't want to work on Sundays. Phone calls, tests of patience and $140 later, a key is crafted that will lead the crew back to the homeland. We bid them adieu around 3 pm.
- Around 4 pm, Arthur and I realize that neither of us are in a position to handle a motor vehicle. We decide to spend the night at Greg's and depart at 5 am. Ambitious thinking.
- Around 8 pm, a black cat crosses our path.
- 11 pm, we receive a message from a distressed friend who has been witness to two deadly accidents this past weekend. Greg announces that there is severe thunderstorm activity via our route back to Ithaca. After pondering our existence and shaking in trepidation, we decide sleep and sound judgment would lead us home. After powering out a 10 page paper half hallucinating and half delerious, I pass out 1 am.
- 1 pm today. All has gone well despite the hellish and exhausting car ride. About 10 miles away from Ithaca, I get pulled over by a park police officer. He claims he has been following me for 10 minutes and I have disobeyed every speed zone sign. I was at the brink of losing it and simple reasoned with him. He was a good guy and let me off with a warning. Great, 3 trips to Ann Arbor and I've been pulled over twice. He proceeds to follow me for quite a few miles, meticulously detailing my every move.
That brings me to now. 12 hours of sleep in the past four days and a 25 page paper knocking on my door that is due tomorrow. I wouldn't have traded this birthday for anything in the world. Thanks to Madison and Arthur for the experience and for all who gave me well-wishes over the weekend.
